The Downfall

A week before my birthday they made me excited to celebrate that day. Honestly, since my 18th birthday ended I'm not usually like to celebrate my bday but this two special people in me they made me excited for that day. They made me feel that day is a very special day that day will be special, a something special will happen. That I can be that hapiest girl that can celebrate my birthday. What an Ideal right. They keep on asking me what gift would I like to receive, what kind of this stuff and so on. You know that feeling na hindi ka na-eexcite pero dahil naeexcite sila nararamdaman mo na din yung excitement, that's exactly what I felt. They are planning on what gift to give in front of me. He wants to give me this and that and so on. 

After that week, here was the week were my bday is coming a few days a head. Nothing much happened. I still feel that kind of excitement but there is still tiny feelings deep inside of me that frightens me. It frightens me dahil yung pakiramdam na pagkatapos ng araw na yun a great pain will come. From monday we had that mini karaoke on his house, sa bahay ng boyfriend ko with my best friend. We had so much fun, they sang along while me supporting them, I'm happy, yes I am. But that tiny feeling didn't get rid inside of me, it's still there. Tuesday came that was the start of him not chatting me. I'm the type of person that not gonna initiate to chat someone unless it is important, I don't like to disturb someone. I have that thought that they are busy on their own stuff sooooo im not gonna disturbed them then thats it, I let those two days passed without chatting him. To cut the long story short, we spent the night in their house on that exactly 12 midnight. They are both greeted me a Happy birthday while I was crying. Then he suddenly brought up about seperation or even having a cool-off. I acted not to hear him but he continued in explaining on why he can't seperate with me, he didn't like me getting hurt. Ironic, telling that on the exact day of my birthday already pains me. That was the downfall of my wall. After that day everything changed.

I chose to ignore him. I chose to act cold infront of him just to hide the pain inside of me. But little did he know that being cold it double or even triple the pain inside. I can't. .  It stings inside. As much as possible I'd like not to bump with him after that day. I didn't like to talk to him it hurts. Nothing words can explain on what I have felt inside. But the fate played its game with us. That sunday night. That very sunday night, he said it all. We had that little moment to talked to each other but I chose to quiet. I listened while I feel my heart piercing inside. My downfall was doubled. I was crushing and I was losing my breathed that time. I was drowned by my sadness. The next day isn't easy and even the other day. No days was easy, I was trying until this day. I was acting good infront of him, I was trying tho because that whats he wants. I want to say to him I was jealous, How badly i want to hug him. How badly I wanted to talk to him. I was so sick of this but I need to pass through this. I need to gain everything I had lost AGAIN. I need to build to protect myself on this love wrecking cycle. I hate being trapped on this sick love. I want to love him, I know my love from him it will never fade but I just want to rest myself from the pain. I just let myself rest from being beaten up. Until I had to regain everything. Even my self respect, self love and everything I lost.

Babe, I love you but I need to take it down for the mean time. I need to save myself or I might get insane if I got drowned by it. I didn't want to be cold to you but I had to do it. I didn't want to go home without telling you but I had to do it. I want to hug you but I have to hold back. I want you to stay but you choose to leave. I understand and I can handle the pain. Just be happy. I love you, always.